I Broke the Shell...and The Silence
I took a huge step and I have so many mixed emotions about it. In Episode 48: Breaking the Silence with Havilah Malone, I shared that I was molested as a child. It was a very frightening thing to do. I fought against sharing it despite the fact that it has been sitting in my gut for so long. Our guest on that show was a dynamic inspirational speaker who came out about being molested as child years ago. She noted that it wasn’t until she was able to acknowledge her past that she truly stepped into what was in store for her. Some people like to call our meeting a coincident, but I know that it was God who put her in my life for a specific reason (insert heart thumping anxiety attack-literally).
Through her words, I realized that I have the right to my story. That in order to take the next steps on my path I have to give voice to the little girl that had her power stolen. I was reminded of the words from a rabbi I once heard (I wrote about it on my blog post Break the Shell and Grow). He talked about how a lobster does not have enough room in its shell to grow. It gets very uncomfortable in the tight place, so it hides and sheds the old shell to grow a new one. Times of stress are actually times of growth.
This is the shell that needs to be broken for me to grow. That sounds so easy and freeing right? I wish it were that simple. Though it was liberating to finally share it with the world, I still feel that I can’t completely let it go because of the hurt that it will bring to the people involved. I did not share who it was or what happened. I keep telling myself that it does not matter, but I know deep in my heart that it does. I find peace in the fact that when the Lord is ready for me to do that, He will give me the courage to do so.
I have been saying repeatedly that I have to live in discomfort to move into my life’s purpose and that is where I am now. I worry about how and who to share the details with. It gives me anxiety. My therapist told me something that resonated in me- to stop saying I am living in discomfort and recognize that I am walking in my POWER! Her statement was profound to me. A close friend told me to stop holding back and giving credit to others for what I am doing, to be myself and own it. This part of me that has been buried for the last 30 years is emerging and with it a world of realizations and connections. The process is hard, and painful, and empowering. I am walking slowly but surely in my power. I am strong. I am courageous. I am powerful. So the journey continues…